"Mommy, you want to play I Spy?"
Ugh, no. Really, with all the power in my pinky finger, hell to the no.
But we're stuck in traffic. We've already discussed her school day. I now know that Trey is in trouble. AGAIN. And I remind her once more not to play with Megan because Megan is evil will usually get Sprite into trouble. And she's already said hello to Daisy and Maisy, two of the fifty cows that continually graze in the field right beside the congestion.
Please don't ask me how she knows which one is Daisy and which one is Maisy. (Although once in a while, another cow named Justin Beiber will be called to. As long as that's where the familiarity stays, I'm good with it.) They're interchangable.
Is there anything else I can think of to put off this hated game until we reach home and it's too late to play?
"How about we sing songs?"
"I'll even let you sing 'Love you like a Love Song'." I'm really desperate. Traffic is still not moving.
"No. We'll play I Spy."
Nononononono..... "Okay, whenever you're ready." Damn it.
"I spy with my little eye, something....."
With the red lights in front of me confirming the standstill, I look to the rearview mirror to watch her eyes progress around the interior of the van, to the floor which has been recently cleaned and is now devoid of the orange crumbs left from an errant stepped on bunny snack, the same orange crumbs which had stumped me a week earlier for TEN MINUTES, which in rush hour, easily translates to hours, years if you have more than one child playing. She now looks to the center console, but clearly rejects the brown lid of my reusable coffee cup since she tormented me with that one yesterday. Then her eyes flick outside to the scenery then back to the interior, and she smiles. She's found her object.
Am I cheating?
Do I care?
"My coffee cup lid."
Red lights still glowing. I scan the front seat. "The strap on my purse."
Oh, this could take forever. I quickly peruse the front seat, the back seat behind me. Nothing else is brown. "Is it inside the car?"
Okay, then outside. "That car, the telephone pole. That construction worker's boots."
"No. no, no."
This game gives me a headache EVERY TIME. And I remember how this game probably gave my mother headaches since I would pick the hardest objects every single time, trying to trip her up on things like the slender tan piping gracing the purse of the lady 3 people up in line at the store.
This is payback in every sense of the word.
"I give up, Sprite. What's brown?"
Of course. The always color changing when appropriate to the moment cow.
The light turns green. For heaven's sake, people, use your gas pedals and MOVE!
"Oh, that was tricky. Okay, I guess it's my turn now."
"No, it's still my turn."
"That's not the way you play."
"Yes, but Mommy, you really need help learning the game. And I will teach you, because I know everything."
"Yes, because I'm a big girl."
I bite my tongue because biting the steering wheel will surely end in me losing a tooth.