The Wanking Room

"I can do it at home, right? Then just bring it in?"

"No. It's best to take care of it there."

"But the directions say I have forty-five minutes to get it there. I can make it in time."

"John. Just do it there."

"Let me do it my way."

"UGH! Don't make me remind you about rush hour and trying to beat the clock...Huh, get it? Beat?"

"Not a good time, Jen."

"Really, I'm going to have nightmares of your car filled with screams as they die one by one on their way to the clinic."

"FINE! I'll take care of it."

Infertility does have its funny points..

*****************

We had promised ourselves back in the summer months that if no pregnancy occurred by the time we came back from our cruise in November, we would buckle down and submit ourselves for the extensive testing to figure out why, this being almost three years after starting the auditions for a new family member, we still hadn't cast the role. (And I was so convinced that the days of sun and fun and Sprite in the Kids Club would result in our own little souvineir without the crappy logo covering 50% of him or her. Never mind that the honorary middle name "Dream" would totally give it away.)

Well, two weeks after we had put away our suitcases and realized the pixie dust hadn't fixed our issues, the time came for me to call my doctor, a new doctor, one who would look more into why we weren't conceiving rather than hand me some Clomid and wish me luck with the quintuplets.

Meeting this new doctor was awkward as it came right in the middle of an annual appointment, so while she was "getting to know me", I was laying it all on the line. (Considering that I was laying on her table with a paper gown being the only virtue of my modesty, I was going for ultimate transparency.) (I was wearing my own socks too, since I figured letting her in on my secret of semi-annual pedicures would have been overkill.) At the end of the exam, we sat down and she drew up plans for me to have some bloodwork done, undergo a test in which my level of tolerance would be sorely tested, and a bonus test (buy three, get one?) for John to test his, um, endurance.

We also set boundaries: we were going to actively pursue a successful pregnancy for this year, and we were willing to go as far as Clomid (the doses, I've learned, can be changed to lessen the chance of multiples) and working towards fixing what was possibly broken, but we were not willing to cross the threshold of invetro.

(People are people, and everyone's beliefs differ on the subject, but John and I both feel that if there's nothing wrong, and a second child never comes, God is obviously telling us it's not going to happen.)

This was back in December. I dutifully went about my first two blood tests, both to be taken in the early stages of my cycle.

John begrudgingly signed on for a December 30th appointment so he could, you know, ring in the New Year.

Now, since we both had the day off, we arranged to meet each other afterward so he could drop his car off for some maintenance and catch a ride.

I pulled up to the dealership and he quickly hopped into the passenger side.

"How did it go?" I asked, pulling away from the Service Department.

"The Wanking Room?"

"The WHAT?"

"Hey, it's written right there on their website. The clinic calls it the Wanking Room. Wanna know why?" he drawled, giving me a leery grin.

"I know WHY, I'm just surprised they advertise it. So?"

"I'm done."

"Okay..."

He didn't grab my hint and run with it.

"Tell me what happened!"

"It's embarassing. You're sitting there with other men in the waiting room and you all know what the other is going to do. When they called my name, I could feel them staring at me."

"Go on."

"The nurse was HOT. I think they hired her just to get things started."

"Nice. Thanks."

"I'm kidding. No hotness at all. Very business like. Just handed me my cup, showed me to the room, pointed to the directions and closed the door behind her on the way out. Very quickly."

"Directions? The Wanking Room has directions?"

"You know, the prep, the aftermath, what to do when you're done."

"Awesome."

"Hey, I'm doing this for you, all right?"

"Okay, tell me about the room."

"Small. Almost like a closet. The TV was mounted on the wall, and there was an armchair."

Watching the road, I gasped in response. "Did you sit in the armchair?"

"God, no! I just took one look at the floor and thought they didn't get around to cleaning THAT much, I wasn't about to take my chances in the chair."

"Good man."

"Oh, and the walls were paper thin. Those nurses must be able to hear everything."

"Ha, they're probably sitting out there in the common area, listening for which movie you pick, taking bets on the titles. 'Hey, he chose Ass Me When. I thought he would be a Busted man."

"I wouldn't be surprised. But what did surprise me was their selection of movies."

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah. It was an Apple TV, and everything was in categories, really easy to find what you're looking for. A LOT of movies."

"I think I want to work there just for the sheer humor of it all."

"The worst part is when you're finished. You have to press a button which emits a loud bell in the office."

"So they know you're done."

"Yup."

"And they know exactly what you did."

"Yup."

I remained silent, trying to picture the embarrasment of it all. "Thank you for taking one for the team, John."

"If you need me to do it again, I'll do it."

"Really?"

"I didn't get to finish the movie."

Like I said, even infertitility can be labeled a dramedy once in a while..

Comments

[Jan]

Ah, John's such a great sport - not for not getting to finish his movie, but because he has no problem with you writing about it.

Love you both. To death.

[unmitigated me]

When Jim did this, we accomplished the task at home, and he made a zippy ten-minute drive to the hospital. They had offered that he could "...bring his wife or girlfriend..." I told him he had better take his girlfriend because his wife sure wasn't going to be there!

[Alaina]

Oh my God, at least he has a sense of humor about it! That is too funny...the wanking room? But all joking aside, I'm pulling for you both. Sending prayers and positive thoughts!

[Peg]

That is oddly sadly hilarious. I'm glad you can at least both laugh at it. Sending you both positive thoughts and prayers!

[Michele]

Snorting my tea through my nose was probably an inappropriate response to "The Wanking Room" room title but I am pretty juvenile. My fingers are crossed (and isn't it a good thing that mine are and John's weren't?) Okay, I've crossed the line haven't I?

[Kristine]

You have an awesome hubby. My hubby would take one for the team only to finish watching the movie. He's a tool. ROFL!

Wishing you both the best of luck!

[MamaBadger]

Ok, at least you can get a laugh out of it, right? John really is a great guy. Hopefully, you need to rent the movie for him to see the end...

If you want, I can share mine with you. It'd be a two for one swap? Or maybe a time share, so Sprite can experience brothers?

[Gretchen]

That John is a good one! Jimmy went through this too. It's just so surreal. Jimmy actually kind of...enjoyed it. But he's kind of weird.

Good luck with this! I'm sending good vibes your direction!

[Casey]

Oh my, what an appropriate name for a room. Jamie went through the wanking process (I think at least 3 or 4 times) and was always amused by it. One time, I was sitting in the lobby when he put his "specimen" on the counter next to another dude's and I was freaked the f out that they'd mix them up (that was during a Chlomid + insemination session so a mixup would really matter). I went up to the clipboard and looked at the dude's name so I could tell my kid who his real father was. The dude's name was James too. WTF, that was a scary time. Hope all is going well for you guys, it sucks but it is what it is and humor is the only way to get through it.

[kaylen]

Good luck!!!! Maybe it's something really simple, like he needs to cut back on the whiskey. Or eat more asparagus.
Crossing my fingers for something easily fixable! :)

[Stacy Uncorked]

I was laughing so hard that Princess Nagger's curiosity was piqued - but have no fear, I told her she's too young to read this over my shoulder and switched to a different tab. Luckily she's easily distracted by sparkly objects and I redirected her attention elsewhere. ;)

John is such a good sport and you are so worth it! ;) I'm with Jan - I love you both to death. Well, you know - as long as our love doesn't kill ya, that is. :)

[Mamarazzi]

ha ha the wanking room, so brilliant. and so true, gotta laugh your way through even the toughest things in life. better than crying right?

followed you over from Vandy's blog, cute space!

[Check home insurance]

That is too funny...the wanking room? But all joking aside, I'm pulling for you both. Sending prayers and positive thoughts!

[Yvonne C]

Oh goodness the things we do for our kids...:)
I hope everything goes well and I really like your attitude about only going to a certain point and then letting fate take over. I think there needs to be just a little wonder and magic left in all of our lives....oh yeah and good luck on the quintuplets thing-I can see you on TLC now....'on today's episode, we follow the family to IKEA where the quints proceed to rape the play area.... '

[Libby]

If you can't laugh about this stuff, then you'll cry.

Oh, and my husband can no longer hear the song "Desperado" without thinking of his own WR experience.

[Louis]

._ You got some really good information here which is very well written. You seem to know every detail about this topic. Keep up the good work.

[Vermont Ski]

I haven't cried but I do laugh on your post. Thanks for sharing your story. I wish to have blessing with my partner, sooner this year.

[v i a g r a en ligne]

your posts are inspiring and helpful.Thanks for sharing your information and stories.I read your post . it was amazing.Your thought process is wonderful.The way you tell about things is awesome.

[Genevieve]

At last! Something clear I can udnrestand. Thanks!