30,000 feet is not an ideal location to face my fears.

John: "Would you like a seat on the wing or aisle?"

Me: "How about in a car? Do they have one of those?"

I haven't been on a plane since 2000. That summer, I went to Hawaii for the second time to see my sister, this last time dragging a willing John with me. By the time we were ready to board the flight over to Honolulu however, I was near hyperventilation.

I remember John staring at me, asking if I would be okay, and in response, I showed him the two sleeping pills I had packed in my purse, to be consumed the moment boarding started.

The flights went well, both to and from, although in my mind, they were far from perfect. The slight turbulence was a sign of imminent danger. An overhead compartment which hadn't been closed properly, sprang open and deposited a large backpack onto a passenger's head. This, to me at least, was an omen of things to come. Nothing happened. I slept fitfully throughout the long flights, and made it back onto solid ground with nary a hair out of place. (Although frizzy hair may look out of place to others, I actually considered it a good hair day.)

Back then, I summed my anxiety up to a fear of heights, something which had only begun plaguing me in my early twenties. My fear extended to balconies, bridges, and any high places where the lobby wasn't within sight. This fear still exists now as I am unable to stand too close to a railing without feeling as if I'm about to pitch forward and takes me a while to get comfortable when I'm positioned anywhere elevated.

Now, this fear of mine doesn't just involve heights, it involves control. I never like to be in any situation where the control is not in my hands. I do not have a "devil may care" personality, nor do I like to "take life by the horns", because the possibility of injury or death scares me too much.

Yes, I am afraid of death. Even the thought of my possible demise scares me. I'm sure there will not be pain, but I don't want there to be "nothing. This is it. Game over. You're done. You've had your turn. There are no do overs, Charlie Brown." This is where religion helps others some, but me and my scientific brain are not easily convinced with hearsay and theory. We like the tried and true money back refund if you're not satisfied, but I don't believe death even has a customer service department, let alone a guarantee. Sure, I can say what I hope will happen when my ticket is up, that I get to keep tabs on those I love, haunt those I don't, and maybe skip back and put a little gloss on those blunders I would rather forget, but you just don't know. My friend Robin and I recently had a conversation about it, and her answer on why she's not afraid of death was "I'd rather be wrong than right" when I questioned her belief in the hereafter. I love her reasoning and would love nothing better than to get on board with it, but my inane desire to be right would probably not be squelched.

So, I decided, way before the economy and terrorism put their two cents in on the matter, that I would never again step onto a plane. It was that simple. When people tried to make plans with us, I would give a noncommittal "maybe" and then point the finger at money, timeliness, or the Northern Lights as to why we would be unable to fly up, down, or over.

John, showing me just how much patience he had, compromised a lot when we made travel plans, sticking to areas like Orlando or St. Augustine so the drive wouldn't kill us. Over the years, he eventually stopped asking if I would ever work up the courage to fly again. 

But then..

Back in the beginning of the year, fellow bloggers decided to join up for a weekend of hedonism in Colorado and I REALLY wanted to go, not only because I admired these women so much from what I had read about them, but also because Colorado just looks beautiful, I had never been, and damn it! I needed a vacation. Away from John and Sprite. So it would remind me of how much I love them... yeah. That's it..

I immediately looked into booking train tickets. I know. Insane. John told me so for months. But now I DO know that it takes 36 hours to get from Fort Myers to Denver. For a weekend getaway. At the rate I was going, my three day weekend was turning into a one week road trip with ample opportunity for pictures (of passing trees) and I was actually okay with that since my logical side had already decided to take a sabbatical, or I'm sure she would have put her two cents in. (I hear she should be back in a few years, although the "for rent" sign where this logic was is a little tacky.)

John finally put his foot down (by way of his mouse and endless Googling on my behalf) and told me I would fly or I just wouldn't go because I was making myself (and him) a little batty.

Well, as the Recession and prices indicated, these plans were canceled, and I was secretly relieved that I wouldn't have to cop out due to my own stupid fears and loudly blamed it on the economy with the rest of the bloggers who had shown interest.

Then another plan came about. While hashing out these possibilities, I found out that Jen from Steenky Bee also had a fear of flying, so we agreed to come out of hiding together. We also agreed we would face our fears together, even if it's on separate flights. (Besides, Jenbo owes me a shirt.) (And after flying all this way, she'll owe me a hug too.)

I am going to get on a plane. It's done. My ticket is booked. John threatened warned me that there is no turning back now. I am going to climb into a metal tube and hope that between take off and landing, the plan doesn't need to make an unscheduled stop. I am going to pick up a prescription for Valium or Merlot, whichever takes the edge off the easiest, so the other passengers aren't eying me for drugs or insanity. And I will do my best to not scream out "We're going to die!" every time we hit an aerial pot hole or some other nonsense. (John thinks that with training, we can turn that go-to "We're going to die!" into an "Oopsie!", kind of like when we replace certain words with "sugar" or "shnikes". I'm sure this will draw looks, but John said these looks will at least not come with restraints.)

Thanks to John finding me a direct flight both ways to limit the amount of times I have to do this, I will arrive in Chicago and arrive back home with only my hair as an indication of my frizzy thoughts. (Somehow, he reasoned that my fear may hamper my quick thinking during layovers and having to get from one gate to another gate forty minutes ago and even the possible "John, can you pick me up? I'm in Tulsa." scenario which would not be pretty. For me. Or Tulsa, I reckon.)

I am giving up control. I am facing my fear(s).

Will I see you there?

Comments

[Cameron]

First.....First?

[Cameron]

Score......again. I was first on steenky's too.

I get nervous flying too, and then I realize that alcohol is available. Then I get nervous about using a bathroom at 20,000 feet, hoping not to pee on myself, but also grateful that I'm not sitting down, potentially getting my insides sucked out of the plane (because I'm sure that's very possible)

You guys will have a blast a Blogher.....I expect full reports from all parties.

[thegamerswife]

My dad has been working for the airlines for nearly 30 years, YET he has a fear of heights - how crazy is that? Because of his job I've probably spent more time flying than in a car!! but I've had to adjust to mostly local driving trips since I got married since my husband isn't a big fan of planes. Here's to you for going for it - Yay for you for facing your fears!!

[Becca]

I don't think you could do my job...When I traveled to Singapore it is 27 hours of traveling...by plane. I am not a fan of heights either but definitely found the alcohol helps. Good luck! I know you can do it!

[Joanie]

My significant other, John has taken off on many many planes but only landed in a few. He spent 20 years in the Army, most of it with the 82nd Airborne and jumped more than 200 times. Talk about crazy!
My brother takes valium every time he flies.

[Arwen]

Woohoo for going to BlogHer! Have a good time. I will be here, while my husband is in Australia, and my mother-in-law is staying with us to "help out" and "do girl things together" while he is gone. I have no doubt you will be having the better time. ;)

And congratulations on facing your fears. I know anxietites like that can be very difficult to overcome.

[Robin]

Wait, isn't this the same girl who went bungee jumping? (Or am I not remembering that correctly?) Good for you for booking the flight. You can do this! :) It's gonna be sooo worth it too! (Just think of all the good blogging material you'll get out of it!)
PS-And on a related note, I'm having a giveaway.... (You'll see what I mean by related.) Stop on by to enter!

[Sammanthia]

I don't do airplanes. That's what cars are for. I don't think I'm going- if the reason for not going outnumber the reasons for going, it's probably a sign. I'm a firm believer in signs.

[WickedStepMom]

I had no idea that you were so afraid of flying. I didn't think that you would be. I know you can make it though.

I am not going to blogher this year, I am going to be too busy buying a house. (Hopefully!!)

[Jan]

Reading your struggles to come to grips with death and your questions about the possibility of a hereafter only makes me realize, once again, why I like you so very, very much.

[Melly]

but my inane desire to be right would probably not be squelched"---I love this. I love how incredibly to the point it is, and I love that you got beyond everything else to just say "this is how it is."
Wonderful! And YAY on the trip! I wanna go, too!

[Keely]

But, as a control freak, doesn't it drive you insane that this fear has so much control over you? :)

Good luck. You'll be fine. I'm totally jealous that you're going!

[bex]

if its not too scary for you - you should sit in the aisle with the emergency exit, more leg room. if that is too scary - fork out the bucks for first class. you deserve to ride in style for your fears!

[jen]

if i was working over the summer ... i would totally meet up with you guys there! but, alas ... i have no money over the summers. ugh. and with a pilot husband ... i'm not allowed to be scared of flying! ... but i can get some good deals ... aka free tickets!

[K]

I hope it goes well. I really hope the trip is so awesome you forget about the travel part.

.

[Pseudo]

I so so so wanted to go to blogher. Chicago. Meeting bloggers. But alas, any spending money we had went to daughter's college tuition...

[Michele Renee]

I feel the same way. I wrote about my fear of flying here:

http://itmustbeafullmoon.blogspot.com/2009/03/any-tips-on-my-fear-of-flying.html

And I got a comment from a pilot who is also a therapist and helps people with his website. His comment told me that those of us who fear, were not taken care of as kids the way some others are taken care of emotionally. Very interesting. But I am joining my husband and sons in Colorado this June after they do a road trip there together so I will just have to get on that plane to be able to vacation with them.

[Casey]

Ahh, so that explains your offer to take a road trip to CO. I'm terrified of flying too, I HATE that uneasy feeling. Jamie was in the air when the 9/11 attacks happened and they made an emergency landing diving straight down in under two minutes... he's a bit more scared than I am because of that.

I'm flying twice this weekend and I hate even thinking about it. Yuck.

Not going to BlogHer but I still want us all to do a meetup in August sometime?!? No planes involved.

[Naomi]

You better make one more flight exception....

Whenever it is that I do decide to get married....you better be there!

[HeatherPride]

Oh, poor Jen!! Such sacrifice! I'm very impressed by your fortitude, I have to say! You will be okay. I promise. If I have to drive down there and fly back up with you, I will.

[Lisa]

Can't afford to go, but I'm hoping for some exciting stories about it. I'm jealous for you. But not for your flying experience. I've only been on a small plane once and I'm not about to get a big plane...every. Like you I am afraid of death and it seems to me there are a lot of deaths in planes. yes, more people statistically get killed in a car, blah, blah, blah...but at least in a car I feel like I'm in control.

Anyhow, go for it and I can't wait to hear all about it when you get back!

[Rachel]

Oh! I'm so jealous! I wanted to go, but we have to fly to Wisconsiin twice this year and once to Pennsylvania, and that's all I can afford in the way of plane tickets. *sigh* So jealous!

[FoN]

Valium *and* merlot. That's the ticket.

You'll have a blast and be glad you went! I'm totally jealous because I can't go. Next year 'tho, and I'm going to drag Keely with me.

[Kingsmom]

As a terribly anxious person, flying ranks right up there on my list along side getting a Brazilian bikini wax.

Try going to the airport a few days before your flight and walking around. Or better yet, get there early and acclimate yourself to the whole experience. But even I know that nothing people ever say to me makes me feel better.

And….Zantax works better than Valium. Take it with the Merlot.

[Lee Ann Haskett]

I know you will be okay! You'll calm down after a while in the plane. Bring a great book or you can write down your feelings and anxieties. Why don't you bring 'Patches' with you. Also you can write part of your blog on the plane.