Why I Tried To Kill You

Dear Spider,

I'm sorry I tried to kill you today.

Yes, I know I didn't look too remorseful as I screamed death threats and threw weapons of mass destruction your way, but really, I am...now. So, I figure, in the aftermath of our earlier battle, I owe you an explanation.

You see, I hate spiders. Yes, I'm sure you're a very nice arachnid and I should not judge a book by its cover, but why is your cover so.. leggy? And hairy for that matter? And the quickness and sneakiness of how you get around is also a put off, but I digress.

What you are is not why I tried to kill you. Well, actually, it is. Hm, how do I say this? What I mean to say is you took me by surprise. I had been running errands all morning, trying to get myself, the husband, and the toddler ready for a family weekend. When I got home, I was tired, grungy, and ready to shower and freshen up  before hitting the road. I undressed and opened the shower door to turn on the water, looking forward to washing my hair. But, the scene wasn't right and I looked down... and saw you.

You knew I saw you. And you stood there, blatantly still, knowing I would freak out.

I shut the door and cursed at you. Again, I'm sorry about my reaction, but this was going to impede on the timeframe needed to complete my shower and proceed with my afternoon. I know I took it out on you, and I'm sure your mother is very nice and not at all a bitch, but the complexity of the turn the situation had taken had me flustered.

I needed to take that shower. I know I could have moved to the other bathroom to finish my shower. Yes, you're right, spider, that was entirely possible. Only one little obstacle. All my stuff was in MY shower, which you were occupying. I couldn't go in there since you looked to be fast. Faster than my imagination conjured, and my imagination is pretty good at scaring the bejeezus out of me. So that nixed the idea.

I started ruminating on forgoing the shower and leaving well enough, and you enough, alone. But then I thought about the ramifications of doing absolutely nothing. You would glean from my decided ignorance of your presense that I actually welcomed you, my eight legged visitor, and my silent non-reaction was invitation for you to stay awhile, kick up your heels, raid the fridge. Nay nay. That was not an option. So that was when I decided you needed to die. (Sorry.)

I ran out of the bathroom and grabbed the bug spray, which unfortunately, seeing as we live in a rather "rural" area of the county, has been used far too often, and therefore was down to a foggy gas when I came back, threw open the shower door, and depressed the trigger. The fog went in your general direction, but you showed no response. I'm not sure if it was enough to do you in or give you a contact high, but I took your reaction to mean it was enough to do you in, because you did nothing. You just stayed still.

I was not about to take the chance of assuming you were then deceased and moving on with my shower at will. I had been fooled before. I would not be fooled again.

I looked around for something to throw in your direction, something that would either scare you into moving or show me that you were in fact dead. I found an empty bottle of baby shampoo that John forgot to throw out and hurled it at you.

I missed.

You moved.

You were still alive! So, I should have asked you at that point to kindly vacate the premises and let me go on about my day. But I didn't. And you didn't. And again, (So sorry.) I decided I would spend the rest of the alloted time meant for my shower instead devoted to ending your life.

I grabbed another bottle, this one semi-full, thinking it would provide maximum force, and threw it in your direction. You ran for the opposite corner. No no, this was not going to work for me. I grabbed a pair of John's flipflops and threw them one by one at you. Both missed. And you now had a defense. The shoes were too close to you so I could not go in and get them. We both knew that.

So, I went one better. I grabbed another pair of shoes, this time my own, and lobbed those as well. Two more weapons in your arsenal. Looking back, it was quite sad, really.

The time moving on and my increased panic told me this would not end well for either of us. I would not get my shower and you would not get to live. (Wow, really sorry.)

I looked around quickly, finding nothing I could use to end it as peacefully as possible. Then I saw Sprite's rinse cup. I didn't know if spiders could drown with massive amounts of water poured on them, so I took a chance. And to up my chances of success, I turned the faucet on my sink to gather the hottest water I could, and repeatedly threw gallons upon gallons of water on you. You ran. I threw. You got splashed. You hydroplaned across the tiles (which really need cleaning by the way. Thank you for pointing this out to me.) and scurried under one of the shoes.

Foiled! I should have given up then, but I held onto the idea that letting you live meant you would have three days in my empty home to overtake my living space, change the time on my alarm to trip me up later, sleep in my bed.. All these possibilities drove my need to stop you from living. (Yeah, about that, have I mentioned that I'm sorry?) So, I kept going with the water until I had to go elsewhere.

Trust me, I didn't begin my day with the decision to prematurely end yours. And look at the bright side. You lived! I think. Since I didn't stick around to confirm your status, I can only assume that you either finally succumbed to a panic induced heart attack after being pursued so relentlessly for 30 minutes, or you went to garner reinforcements and will be gathering up an entire shoe store's worth of ammo for when I return.

Whatever the outcome, I am truly sorry I tried to kill you. Really!

Honest.

Cross my heart?

And only imagine how upset John will be when he comes home to the shower in shambles and (hopefully, but, um, apologetically) you possibly dead. Does that make you feel any better?

Love,

Jen

PS- If you are alive, please stay away from my bed. If I find you in it, all bets are off and your ass will meet the bottom of my shoe. (Um, sorry in advance for that one..)

(Update!! We got home after the trip and John checked the shower, no spider. We also found crumbs on the kitchen counter. The dang thing lived! And raided the fridge! Which now debunks the theory that repeatedly throwing water on spiders will not drown them, however it may add to your carbon footprint for wasting so much water on a spider you should have just hit with a damn shoe, so John says.)

(Updated the Second! Last night, around 3AM, I got up to go to the restroom and guess who was there, sitting outside the shower? Major aside here, can spiders sit? Or do they just pause? Anyway, I was not letting this sucker live any longer than he had. I woke John's butt up and he did away with the spider. The end.)

Comments

[Allinole]

I will remember to stay on your good side. :)

[Laurie]

Enough with the apologies... Showers - or any other part of the house for that matter - are for people. Spiders belong outside. Far away from my house, preferrably. But if they dare venture into enemy territory, they should realize that their lives are in jeopardy! With any luck, your spider told all his friends and family members to stay away from the crazy lady with the shoes and shampoo bottles! You sure do crack me up!

[WickedStepMom]

You know the worst part about this story. If bear would have found the spider in the shower, he would have screamed like a girl until I am came to rescue him. :)

[Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings]

Oh you are so a woman after my own heart. Oh I hate spiders...haaaate them. And they are everywhere around our very old house...hanging outside the upstairs window. No, seriously...they are...looking in at me and saying "We will get you! And your little dog too!"

When I was growing up I lived in a house infested with them and more than once there were black field spiders that dashed across our living room floor, leaving me on the couch screaming and pointing for my dad to "KILL IT! KILL IT!"

You know what he did? Scooped it up in a cup and carried it outside.

Outside. So it could come INSIDE again and find me in my bed! And lay eggs so more could find me IN MY BED!

Oh I soooo hate them. They are evil. Kill them...kill them all before they come up north to get me and find me IN MY BED!

[Arwen]

Another great piece of writing. Picturing the scene has started my morning with a chuckle.

[HeatherPride]

I have an almost Hindu-like love for all God's creatures, but somehow the spider-in-the-shower bit never fails to freak me out!! Immediate death must ensue! Fight to the finish!

[Krystal]

ROFLMAO!!!!

Okay - you see, yesterday Hubby went to clean off a rag I used to clean up the floor (we had a leak - don't ask!) and he found a spider on it and scremed!!! Can you imagine a 6 foot 2 inch 200+ pound man screaming like a girl?!? Yeap, my hubby!!!

Well, needless to say he calmed down and tried to drwn it off of the rag witht he facet in the shower - it would not come off! LOL No matter how much water he put on the darn towel, the thing woulg not come off. Finally he "picked" it off with the edge of my lotion bottle and watched as it spun down the drain.

Needless to say, you're not in it alone! No apologies!!

[stepping over the junk]

I had a nest (nest?) of baby spiders erupt on my bathroom ceiling at midnight once. I felt like I was in "Charlotte's Web". But I have to say, I vaccuumed them up. The next day, another one hatched. I let them be and they disappeared into somewhere. i don't want to know where. I hate spiders too

[Margaret (Nanny Goats)]

OMG, this was hysterical! Lisa from boondock Ramblings sent me over here my latest post is of a similar nature, and I'm so gald she did. A well-told story/letter.

[Sam (The Edgo Of Insanity)]

I hate spiders! Stay tuned for my post about my experience with a spider and my new camera. It ended up with me topless and beating my head.

[Heidi]

poor John having to go through this! Yes, you heard me right, cuz! You had how many pairs of shoes? You should have just smashed the little bugger to begin with, flushed him down the drain and continued with your shower. Oh wait, you didn't mention how big this spider was..that might make me switch my sympathies. Don't exaggerate though. Those who hate spiders tend to think they are ten times bigger than they actually are.

BTW- Mike is going to get on you about the doll comment. I called him up and told him about it and all I heard was this frustrated "It wasn't me" sigh at the other end of the phone. Expect a comment either on my blog or on your facebook about it. You've just given him more ammo to be snarky....it that herediary???

[Baba]

Yes Heidi I think it is. I don't know who will win Jen is Queen of Snark

[Sprite's Keeper]

Heidi, Heidi, Heidi, Oh the family you married into... Yes, snark is VERY inherited, especially in this family. Mike HAD to be the one spinning my bald Cabbage Patch kid on its head, since his brother Erik liked to take off on his skate board for hours on end. So, his denial is in fact repression. Luv ya, cuz!
And the spider was about 2 inches long, from tip to tip. Not that big, but he cursed A LOT. No, wait, that was me. Um, four shoes and 2 bottles of kiddie shampoo and however many gallons of water and I couldn't do it. (Sigh.) You see what John deals with? He should get a medal..

[jenboglass (steenkybee)]

Sometimes spiders can be like in-laws. They show up at inconvinient times and they just...won't...go...away.

[kristina]

I don't blame you for trying to kill the thing ... I would have too.

Great piece of writing ...

[Wendy]

I'm glad you finally killed it! Or rather, that John did. I don't mind spiders. I even like them. As long as they're outside. When they're in my territory, they're dead. I always worry that if I don't kill them, they'll come back for me. Eeeeee!

[Wendy]

I think my fear of them getting on me comes from childhood. A lady told me when I was a kid, that if I let my hair get tangled spiders would lay their eggs in it. And the worst part? My mom never told me the truth. I brushed my hair obsessively until I was grown.

[Casey]

Man, I'm so glad you finally killed him. We had a huge spider in our house last month that sent Graham and I straight to Lowes to get every spider trap/spray they had. It took 4 days for us to finally get him (he was behind the entertainment center and I wasn't sticking my fingers in there to find him). My husband and I both screamed like little girls when he finally resurfaced.

[tifRN]

i have a policy in my house....more than four legs and it's open season, bitches. but i am too big of a weiner to kill spiders, usually.....but my husband has morphed into "mr missouri conservation" and refuses to kill them, even when they are plainly mocking me with their skankiness. so i'm getting better about killing them when i'm done screaming like a third grade girl. and throwing the objects.

[Debbie]

HAIRSPRAY!!! It not only kills them, but kinda makes them freeze in place.

Heh Heh.

Yes. I am evil. I know it.

But you have to understand that we have something that I call spider crickets. I guess their real name is cave cricket or camel cricket.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cave_cricket
I literally - just this second got a chill just thinking about them. They are freaky scary. They like to be up high, like in the corner where the wall meets the ceiling ... and then they JUMP. Sometimes they JUMP on you. *shudder*

And the worst of it ... they like moisture - which is why they are often found in basements. And where is there moisture?

IN .... THE .... SHOWER.

Yes. Sometimes I get in the shower and there is a freakyass spider cricket in there with me. Ack!

No apologies to anything that hides in your shower and then jumps on you. They get what they get.

*shudder*