A Slap in the Facebook

When cell phones came out en mass, I resisted the urge to join the always accessible crowd and held on tight to my deck-o-cards sized beeper. When I finally caved and signed my life away for a plan, everyone was relieved. (Not that I understood why. My phone rarely rang at home. I had to be reminded of my social status en route now?)

Blogging started getting hot in the early part of the millennium. I joined the fracas in 2008, the beginning of 2008, but still, the newness had worn off and now, when I tell people I blog, the responses are usually, "You too? My DOG has his own blog." (I refrain from asking for the dog's IP address, but my curiosity is peaked. "Bow wow, old friend, bow wow.")

I get it. I'm behind in the trends. I completely dodged the My Space frenzy, but got cornered with Facebook. John was on it. My best friend was on it. My sister tried to convert me a couple of months ago after she became more active in it. My MOTHER is on it. (I know Facebook was conceived by two guys trying to find ways to network online, but a Jewish mother had to be involved somehow in this, because this thing is right up a Jewish mother's guilt-ridden alley. I'm sure the status updates on her page would be "Jimmy's mom is currently wondering why her son never calls her".)

John finally made up my mind for me. He created my profile last night and told me about it this morning.

Um, thanks? I think.

I mean, it is about time for me to join the millions of others who actually seem to WANT to make contact with old high school cohorts and rekindle old friendships. And I guess now, whenever I answer the question, "Are you on Facebook?", I can stop making faces and gagging noises and start saying "Yes, yes I am."

I logged on this morning with the information John gave me and checked out my page. I have a wall? Okay. And it's white. (Man, even on the WWW, my walls are painted in primer.) Do I need to clean it? No? Then we're good. How many friends do I have? 13? Okay, there were 18 people alone in my wedding party and all but one are still on good terms with me, so what the hell? Oh, wait, there's 14. Now I don't feel like raiding the candy stash in my co-worker's desk. (She's not here. It's implied permission.) (Yes it is.) Wait, now there's 15? Man, who did John send these requests to?

Who is that person? She looks familiar, but trying to identify her by her 1/2 inch by 1/2 inch picture is a little difficult. Oh, she went to my high school? All right, I accept her as a friend. Whoa, someone just gave me a plant! Do I accept it? I'm not good with plants. Do I need to virtually water it and tend to it or just let it die like I do all my others?

I'm being poked?! Why would anyone want to poke anyone else? That's kind of twisted. Oh, there's other applications I can add. I can give a beer to people. I can give hugs. I can give high fives.(groan).. What kind of Sesame Street character would I be? Oscar the Grouch is looking pretty good right now.

So many possibilities. So little interest. I think I need to make my own applications.

Maybe I can get a Facebook pet. You know, a hamster or something that would go out to other people's pages and crap on their walls or chew through their Wall-O-flower arrangements.

Or maybe I can send a virtual bitch-slap. Why hasn't this person responded to any of my requests? Whack! Oh, so my beer that I oh, so generously clicked on and spammed all my "friends" with is not good enough for you? Double Whack! Now, THIS has my interest.

The more pages I look at, the more confused I am. My sister's-in-law page alone is full of drek like What kind of perfume are you? and Wall-o-candy. Why would someone send me a virtual Mounds bar when 1. I can get it from the vending machine myself (Read: co-worker's desk) (IMPLIED PERMISSION!!) and 2. I can only accept said virtual calories and pretend to enjoy them or put them on my Wall of Crap I Can't Touch so my viewing public or "friends" can see how loved I am and how wide my virtual hips are?

And, from what I hear, people are starting to take Facebook seriously. John doesn't really like to be poked, hugged, sneezed at, beer'ed, shaken, stirred, farted on, etc. He just likes to keep up with people. So, he usually ignores or refuses when someone sends a little momento of their thoughts his way. Some people have taken this rejection to heart, thinking John was upset with them, or mad at them, going so far as to call me up and ask if they're on the outs with my geek. Um, yeah.

And where is the supposed networking this site is supposed to be all about? I mean, I wouldn't send a potential boss or client a hug... Or would I?

So, enough of my ranting. I am now on Facebook. Come be a friend. Just don't poke me. Or send me a kiss. No hugs either. And nix on the beer. In fact, don't do anything. Just be still on my friends list and we'll get along just fine.

Cripes, next thing you know, they'll have me twittering..

Comments

[WickedStepMom]

People have been trying to get me signed up for My Yearbook. I keep rejecting the requests because honestly, a social networking website just doesn't appeal to me.

Though, I found out that my Aunt has recruited my oldest girl into her My Space Mob. Apparently they have mansions and AK-47s. Virtually.. or is it?

[Sprite's Keeper]

It's a scary world out there, WSM. And apparently, it's even scarier on the World Wide Web..

[Allinole]

I am so glad you are finally on facebook! Welcome to the addiction. And, I won't be sending you a plant. I don't own any virtual ones myself but I may have to send you a piece of flair!

[Sprite's Keeper]

Ali, if you look on Susan and Lee's walls, you can see how the two of them are conspiring against me to bombard me with tags and flair and huggie-bombs and whatnot. I just ignored 5 of Lee's deliveries. I hope she's not paying for the UPS bill on those.

[Sam (The Edge OF Insanity)]

OMG, this was hilarious, and now I needs to delete the post I was writing about FB because yours is SO much better than mine!!!
I signed up for FB, too, at the needling of my sil, and I still don't get it... someone keeps sending me virtual teddy bears. Do I freakin' LOOK like the kind of girl who likes teddy bears!
Look for me (it's "Sammanthia") and we'll write on each others wall about how stupid the apps are. *insert conspiritorial wink*

[Sprite's Keeper]

No, Sam! Don't delete!! I wanna see! Post it! I'm gonna look you up and request you. Together, we can abolish *applications*! Or just slam them. That's cool too.

[Baba]

You won't accept a hug even from me? I don't hug everyone....oh who am I kidding if I know you I hug you...I guess that means just about everyone.lol

[Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings]

My dad got me on Facebook because he wanted to go on. I find it confusing and annoying...a friend sent me an image of Dr. Who...the old one. What am I supposed to do with that? Seriously....

And my "garden" is starting to "grow."

Do I want it to grow where everyone can see it? I don't think so....

But I don't know.

I send messages to people and I have no idea where they go and then my dad calls me and asks where his go. I have no idea if it is on "The Wall" or in "the Inbox," dad... really I don't. I just don't and I'm not sure I want to.

I've got a kid to raise and a blog to keep up with, I can't do every new thing that comes down the pike!

[Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings]

Oh! And I've got to work. Right. That's the other thing I'm supposed to be doing.

[HeatherPride]

RESIST THE URGE TO TWITTER!! Mainly because I don't want to be the only one NOT twittering! (Like I need something else to become addicted to! Hello! Blogging already takes up 50% of my work day!)

My cousin talked me into starting a Facebook page over the summer. You already know more about it in one day than I ever found out! My Facebook page pretty much just says, "come visit me on my blog! http://...."

[Krystal]

ahh - i have resisted Facebook and barely even maintain my MySpace page anymore!!!

Blogging has taken up my time, I do not even think I can witter - if I do forget it! my day is consumed!! I hope I can take my lap top in the hospital when I give birth? i don't think I can be away fromt h is for too long!

Is there a blogger's anonymous somewhere?

[julia]

I don't like all the poking and the sending gifts and whatnot. I just use it to see what other people are up to. I hate how it's becoming more and more like MySpace everyday (a trend that I also resisted because the pages are so cluttered with useless information!).

[Debbie]

Who are you?

LOL ... that's the response you got from me. But then I figured it out.

I actually like Facebook. Much more so than MySpace. The main reason I have a MySpace page is to spy, um, I mean, 'communicate' with my kids. Yep ... communicate. That's it. :P

It's easy to ignore the pokes and bitch-slaps, etc. But watch out for Scramble (Facebook's version of Boggle) ... it's addicting!

[trish]

ok, there are like ten million jennifer cohens on facebook. which one are you? my favorite application is flair. won't be adding anymore, tho. i refuse to twitter and i refuse to friendfeed (heard of that one?) facebook is a nice in between and somehow cleaner than myspace. oh, and does your absent co-worker have a twix java in her drawer? those things come with built-in permission.

[Sprite's Keeper]

Hi, Tricia! Just search out Sprite's Keeper, I'm the only hit. I never tried finding myself, but my name IS pretty common. I'm going to talk to John about that. Maybe we should change our last names.

[Susan]

Since i am not a blog junkie-I just like to read all and maybe comment once in a while...I have to say I have become addited to facebook. I do have a myspace page as well and was addited to that for a while because well I understood it more then facebook. Now that I have been on facebook and playing around with it more I think its great!! It is fun to 'spy' on what you friend are/or have been doing and to catch up on old time. Trish-Flair is my favorite too :) I like getting and recieving pins and making my page look funky. You don't have to have all the apps on your page, believe me I have done a lot of deleting, but its nice to know you have people thinking of you when they send you a hug or a smile :)
Don't knock it until you try it Jen, you may just have fun with it!!! :)

[Casey]

I just signed up for Facebook a few weeks ago at the urging of a few friends. I don't get why we can't just email or call each other but I'll try it.

I don't really have a need to have a relationship with any of my high school classmates but it seems like it's all about the numbers. I didn't put my maiden name on my account so nobody could find. That being said, I only have thirteen friends and am a total loser!

I just started blogging last week so I'm way behind on that front too. I absolutely refuse to twitter though. Who needs to know when I'm wiping my kid's ass?

[Heidi]

That's it! I'm going to send you a little super poke! hehehehehe!! LeeAnn and I are friends. I'll have to send a friend request to you and John. Love ya, cuz!!

[Kim/hormone-colored days]

LinkedIn is better for professional networking. And, BTW, the term is Tweeting, and yes, you will be doing it soon.

[The Stiletto Mom]

Addicted to facebook. My first move? Throw a sheep at someone. Hooked from that point forward bc at what other point in my life would my out of shape arms be able to throw sheep? Never. Thats when. Also, it's a great way to keep up with friends in a fun way. Twittering? Guilty today...God help me.