Big Purple Elephants Welcome (Mostly)

This follow up has been a long time coming.

Despite the fact that this website is dedicated to the wackiness of a toddler's life, I wrote a post on World of Warcraft a couple of months ago and trashed it good naturedly. Well, maybe not TOTALLY good naturedly, but I'm sure the big purple elephant forgives me. (Mostly.)

I still get frequent hits on this post thanks to a post on Momformation in which a lot of women out there weighed in on how much they hate their husband/boyfriend/significant other's gaming habits and the toll it's taking on family life.

In fact, a few people have taken my blog and linked me to some World of Warcraft fansites and bashing forums where my words have been twisted, turned, and villified in some cases by people who either love or hate what I have to say on the matter. This has forced me to add the label on the left side in which I am kindly asking you to let me know before you use my material elsewhere, because I do like to see what is being said about what I said. (Did that make sense? Eh. It's late. It'll make sense in the morning.) 

I am considering (although that may give it more attention than it deserves) adding a direct link to the original World of Warcraft post and reopening the comments section since I truly am interested in how others have dealt with this issue. The more comments I get from people (and it's mostly women), the more concerned I am about how they handle it and what they can do to make their lives a bit happier in the face of this cult in the making. Or at least give them a big cyber hug.

Here's my disclaimer. (Funny how a mommy blogger would need a disclaimer, but, again, if I'm not getting paid for my assvice, I'd rather cover my WoW bashing tushy here.) This post is going to discuss how John and I have come to terms with the other woman in his life and how we all live together without me going all stabby. (Again, said in jest. I don't stab. My revenge is a little more creative and time consuming than that. The choreography alone is months in the making.) So, please, this is just what John and I have done which helped US. It may not help you. Or you. Um, you probably. But definitely not you. Are we clear? Groovy. Now, grab your frontal lobe, slap it good, and make it pay attention as this is where it counts.

First the back story. Back in 2000, John discovered an online game called Diablo and was quickly hooked. The fact that our good friend and roommate, Richard, was also on the game, only hooked John more as they joined forces nightly for HOURS on end to do battle, rob, steal, whatever, with and against other players. I remember battling with him constantly over the amount of time he would spend on the game, sometimes all day if he could. He finally gave up the game. I was happy that he gave up the game. Life was good. I gave him back his cat. (The fact that he didn't originally have a cat is irrelevant here. The point is, I gave it back.)

Life moved on and we got pregnant. Life sped up and we gave birth. Life came to a screeching halt when last year, John started playing a demo game (See? That's where they get you! "Try it free! 15 days! No harm, no foul!" You're screwed.) of World of Warcraft, and little by little, I would walk into his office and find him, well, walking. Or dying. Usually one or the other. (At least, that's what I always find him doing. I'm sure he's doing something Wow-ish the rest of the time, but I see what I see.)

This became problematic when he took every opportunity (the baby is sleeping, play a little WoW) to sneak onto his game (Jen is sleeping and the baby is sleeping, play a little WoW) and snort some more of the cyberspace cocaine. It became a battle when every minute I turned around, he was glued to the monitor and his character's backside. (Which now has a tail. Is that an upgrade?)

We argued about it. A lot.

He had good points to defend his gaming. It provided an outlet for him to de-stress from toddlerville. Agreed. I do the same with this blog. (Only I poke fun at toddlerville. And John. But mostly toddlerville.) It's a way for him to meet up with friends like Richard who live elsewhere and he would never see otherwise. Agreed again. I do the same with this blog too. Our big contention was the time he spent on the game. It was out of control. He was rushing to the console every chance he got to the point that I didn't even have to wonder where he could be. I knew where he was. I didn't have a laptop then so we were battling each other every night for screen time as soon as the kid's head hit the pillow.

We had a la-hong discussion about his gaming ways and the way it was chipping at the fragile family life. He kept going back to the fact that it's his hobby. I understand a hobby, but I also understand the distructive nature of gaming and the effect it has on entire families. (I've read a lot of comments. Believe me, I understand.)

John and I agreed on one big point. The game should NEVER interfere with or supercede time with Sprite. This negotiation was settled very quickly. If John was needed in any way Sprite related, the game was dropped immediately, even if his character was getting the crap kicked out of him at that moment. (He dies all the time anyway. He should be used to it by now.)

Another point we agreed on. Bedtime. Game over at 10PM Eastern. No gimmees, ifs, ands, buts, or butts with tails about it. Sometimes, I do need to throw something at him to remind him of our agreement, but he's pretty good about it most of the time. I haven't had to hone my throwing skills for a couple of weeks now.

We took a long hard look at our evening activities and what we like to do. I like to relax with a good workout on my trusty treadmill and watch tv or read or blog (sometimes all at the same time) before bed. These activities are not John's idea of a good time. Richard reminded me of this in a comment he wrote about my WoW scolding. And I understand it. John does not need to be with me every moment from the time we get home until the time we leave for work. It makes sense that we have some actual ALONE time which does not include each other. Unless I take up knitting in which I need him to hold yarn, he does not need to validate my parking in front of the tv.

Sometimes, we have our date nights and WoW isn't touched at all. I know John misses it on those nights, but he doesn't complain.

But, to make sure John understood that I truly want him to have his hobby and know I support his time alone (NOT the game, but his alone time), he has one night a week when, as soon as Sprite goes to bed, I let him be and he can game all night if he wants to. He savors his Friday nights. In fact, if you think of it in terms of dieting, Friday night is his cheat night and he can gorge all he wants on raids and pillaging and general cyber mayhem until he drops. He is aware though, that any lack of sleep is his own fault and I will be very pissy if he's slacking on the parenting post due to a WoW binge.

I figured that as long as John understood the importance of the game and how unimportant it really is, I could forgive the fact that he plays.

So, that's the way we work it out. We're very happy with the schedule and I've even forgiven the occasional last minute raids he wants to join. I have told him no some times as well when I knew the next day would be very busy and he would be needed.

So, he gets to play. I get to make fun of it sometimes, and Sprite gets Daddy time not out of obligation or the server being down, but out of Daddy's genuine desire to be with his daughter.

There are some out there who have commented elsewhere and on this site about how this game and their partner's gaming has seriously impacted their lives and I feel for them. I hope they can take some of the things John and I have worked through and let it inspire them to try to make it work for them. Hopefully, they can learn to deal with having the game in their lives and work out a schedule or maybe use the laptop this post is on to beat the hardheaded partners over the cranium for better emphasis. (I kid.) (?)

Okay, I'm putting away my torch. I'm stepping off my soapbox. Please refer to the above disclaimer if you seriously are comtemplating beating anyone over the head with a computer (if you can't consider the pain of your partner, consider the uselessness of a dented laptop), and try to play nicely. It's 10:05PM, and I need to work on my aim.

Tomorrow, we're back to our Sprite Ways of Wackiness.

(Editor's Note: This post was written late Monday night. Yesterday, John was laid off. Last night, not one minute was spent on the game and all his time was spent updating his resume and applying for jobs through all the major search engines. Although, it does make me wonder, if WoW paid people to play, would we women be a little more understanding with the excess time spent on the game? "It's okay, honey. I'm in overtime!" )

Comments

[Lisa]

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband being laid off.

I can't exactly relate to the WoW thingee, but Hubby is obsessed with wrestling -- Ring of Honor and some WWE stuff, but not the latest WWE because he things that is lame. Anyhow, he is always ordering these DVD of old matches -- even when we are low on money.

He also reads (shhhh..don't tell him I told you) comics and spends a lot of time and money on those as well.

It drives me right up the wall.

But he has cut back some...some...a very little some and is understanding when I tell him buying such things is off limits when we don't have food in the house, thank you very much.

So, hang in there through it all.

I hope your husband finds a job soon. Be strong and courageous!

[John]

Thanks Lisa.

[andrea frazer]

Did I miss the World of Warcraft thing? I will look later.