Got Guilt?

Wouldn't that make a better slogan than "Got Milk?" Even the lactose intolerant folk can identify with it!

Guilt is an emotion I am very familiar with. I feel guilty when I haven't called my mom. I feel guilty when I finally do call my mom. I feel guilty as I'm dialing the number. I feel guilty when we're done talking, because I live 2 hours away and can't get her granddaughter to her as frequently as I would like.

Evonne Lack, over at MOMformation, wrote a funny expose on Guilt and how it affects us mothers. This got me thinking about the amount of guilt I generate on a daily basis. (Seriously, if I could channel that guilt into my gas tank, I would be sitting pretty in a Hummer while the rest of you sit at the pumps!)

Being of a certain faith, I joke about guilt having been brought upon me from birth to now. I mean right now. I feel guilty right now, because I'm sitting here typing a snarky post about guilt. I'm gonna get smiten. (Or is it smitten? No, that's something different. What is the passive tense of smite? Why didn't I pay better attention in Grammar? And now there's something else to guilt up my day...)

Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel guilty for turning down invitations to parties or play dates? Why do I feel guilty when I give assvice? Why do I feel guilty when I cut off Joe Schmoe whose turn signal has been blinking "right" for umpteen minutes and has been riding his brake for the last 2 miles?

I have never liked being on the receiving end of guilt and always make the comment, "No guilt trips please. I haven't packed." But it is still inherent in me. I think I inherited it from my mom, along with her curly hair issues.

I'm mostly used to the clenching feeling in my stomach by now when I feel like I should have done something earlier or remember the forgotten something I should have done, so it barely registers anymore at first other than a "Oh, crap" and a hastily scribbled note I jot only to forget the note and then remember it right when I see the note about 24 hours later and any chance I had given myself to rectify the guilt is now a small ripple in the fresh wave of guilt. (Begin Tangent-when you read a run-on sentence, do you find yourself gasping for breath as if you said it audibly? If so, I'd say you have issues, but I do the same thing..just food for thought. -End Tangent.)

This weekend, I saw a cousin of mine whom I love dearly. We have been missing each other for, um, EVER, and were trying to meet up over Thanksgiving weekend last year when I was in town with the husband and Sprite. Sprite got sick and I ended up shortening our time there and forgot to call. I have been saddled with guilt ever since. I kept thinking, I should call Shira. Why didn't my butt pick up the phone and call? Because I would not only be owning up to the guilt, but speaking to the person I had slighted. So, I continued to feel guilty about the fact that I hadn't called her and then added to that guilt with some more guilt based on the fact that I continued not to call her to apologize for not calling her in the first place. (Sigh.) If guilt had a shape, it would be round.

So, when I saw her this weekend, I had the opportunity to stop the cycle (and the madness!) and finally apologize for not calling her and owning up to what a horrible cousin (and dresser) I am. We hugged, we talked about our kids, the fact that her husband is a former WoW player (left eye twitching..), and everything OTHER than the entire thing I was feeling so guilty over.

After she left, I immediately remembered what I had wanted to say, but the guilt was a little less stinging, so I was able to shove it into my closet along with the other skeletons and close it in for a while.

And so it goes. I've got guilt. I will always have guilt. And I will try very hard not to pass that guilt onto Sprite or anyone else.

Well, it's almost 10pm now, and if I want this post to publish in the morning, I need to yank John off his World of Warcraft raiding and pillaging so I can use the computer. Yes, I know he gets to play until 10pm, but my blog comes first.

Funny, I don't feel guilty about short handing John's time on the computer. Huh.

(Call your mother.)

(Editor's Note: Ash commented that the past tense of smite is "smote", which will also pass for passive tense as if I am being smote, so thanks Ash for the definition, and for calling attention to the fact that I was too lazy to Google it and find it myself.. something else I now feel guilt over... Stop the cycle!)

(And Ash, you're right, "smote" is fun to say.. smote smote smote smote...)

Comments

[Baba]

I inherited (and curly hair)from my mom, I just know my mom would want me to pass it on to you and your sister. And yes you don't like being on the receiving end of it.
Mom
(curly hair and all)

[Ash]

I think it's "smote." And even if it's not, "smote" is a pretty fun word to say.

[Jonny's Mommy]

OK. Are you my sister or something? I must be "of a certain faith" too then because I am 24-7 guilty..I feel guilt for e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

It is exhausting being guilty all the time.

I even felt guilty for not giving birth to my son on my nieces birthday. What's with that?!

[Evonne Lack]

"If guilt had a shape, it would be round." YES. What a great line. I get this cycle of guilt going in my head, and I can't get out of it. A circle trap. And I have a bunch of skeletons in the closet too - and albatrosses around my neck.