Assvice

There's a time when your advice is wanted.

There's a time when your advice is needed.

There's a time when you need to shut your trap.

I am a mom. (Well, duh. Otherwise, I'd be snarking up another subject on this little blog-o-mine.) I am not new to parenthood anymore, although I am still a rookie, relatively speaking. I have already created my own comfort zone in parenting and know what works for me, for the most part. I am happy to give advice when it's warranted. I am also happy to seek advice when it's warranted.

But (aw, come on, you knew this was coming), I do not like unsolicited advice. Bloggers call this kind of advice "assvice" and I understand why. I usually have to hold my tongue when another mother at Sprite's daycare comes over to me to offer advice on me or my daughter or my parenting skills. I do not stand alone in this.

I have offered my own assvice before when seeing another mom struggling with something I had recently conquered and I'm sure the other mom was being nice when she smiled politely, but I got the hint when the police officer arrived at my front door with the restraining order in hand.

I usually am cautious about offering advice, preferring instead to publicize my stupidity on the World Wide Web and hopefully letting other mothers learn from my mistakes passively. (Is it working?)

This last weekend, however, I opened my mouth and gave assvice. Indirectly, but it happened.

My sister-in-law is pregnant with her first child, a little girl we're anxious to meet. She recently completed her registry for her shower and I logged onto the store's site to start my own shopping for our future niece. Scrolling down, I began to critique the wish list while on the phone with my husband, who happened to be with them right then. And I didn't hold back.

"Oh, no, they shouldn't register for that pack'n'play. The fabric is organic, but you can't clean it right. It will stain and the keep up is too much." I knew this from another friend of mine who had the exact pack-n-play my sister-in-law registered for and complained about it a couple of times. (It turns out strained peas look fresh even 3 children later on the model in question.) So, I offered third person assvice and felt ashamed immediately after I hung up. Not ashamed enough to call John back and stop him from passing it forward, but you know what I mean. And of course, him being him, he offered my words up for the parents-to-be to taste. (I'm sure assvice tastes like..um..never mind.)

Fast forward to today. No, too far. Rewind to last night. That's good. John came into the bedroom where I was dutifully folding laundry (playing on my laptop) and had me listen to the phone message his brother left thanking us for the advice, and they were immediately changing their registry to get something a little more wet wipe friendly.

This should have taken the ass out of the assvice, but I still felt like one. I felt I should have kept my jaws closed and let my sister/brother-in-law experience the firsts of parenthood in their own way, even the stumbles and pitfalls, instead of me jumping the ropes and trying to lead their parade when I really wasn't even invited to march in it.

I'm outing myself here. I have promised others that I would start any advice with the following words, "Would you like to know what worked for me?" I didn't do that this weekend. And I'm sorry. And since I'm not sure if my sister-in-law keeps up with this site, if an apology goes unheard on the Internet, does it still make a sound?

Comments

[Lindsay Weiss]

Yep- been there, done that too. I sometimes question my own motivation for giving advice too--am I *really* trying to help or am I just trying to show off a little?

I'm learning to hold my tongue...slowly.

[Kim/hormone-colored days]

"Would you like to know what worked for me?"

Good idea! I was at a baby shower recently and I proudly did NOT kill the joy by shouting out, "You don't need all this crap, really!" Actually the guests were quite generous and the mom-to-be got some great stuff, it's just that as a veteran mom, I know she could do without much of it.

[Jen]

No kidding. I saw wet wipe warmers on a registry and wanted to shout out "Fire hazard!". Another unneeded item. Hm, another post abrewing..or is it lunchtime?

[Alyssa]

I recently did this same thing to my sil. I didn't want her to get bad gifts! I ended up just suggesting one or two things that I had heard about, saying when I have another, I'm definitely going to get these.

I like your "would you like to know what worked for me" suggestion.

[Jen]

You know, that's a great idea, Alyssa. Maybe making the recommendation into something you would want for yourself.
I like that! It helps you get your point across and doesn't make you look like you're pushing it. Muy bueno!