I hate it when I'm caught in a situation where the actual outcome is different than what I expected. I expect to handle the situation with aplomb and even some really good big words meant to impress people. Instead, the mood stability car drives off the road and my emotions take over.
And all I think is, don't cry. Turn off the waterworks. Oh no. It's building up...Crap, where's the Kleenex?
Am I alone in this? I had a situation at work yesterday where someone rolled their eyes at me while we were disagreeing on something work related ( I won't go into specifics, because my job is really not that exciting). Normally, I would smirk and say something snarky and move on. This time, I sat down in my seat, stared at my computer, and cried silently, more pissed off at myself than anything (well, maybe a little pissed off at the person who triggered the tears) that I was having this reaction. The entire time I cried, again, very silently since I did not want to draw attention to myself more than the sniffles and tissues already did, I was telling myself to stop. Stop crying! He's not worth it! The whole matter is NOT worth it! This is stupid! Why aren't you strong?
And yet, I continued to cry. I couldn't turn it off.
I want to say the crying was cathartic. It wasn't. It blew my entire afternoon to smithereens and I spent the remainder of my work day staring between my computer and the clock wishing I could go home and scream into a pillow. On top of that, I went to pick up Sprite, who spent the entire ride home composing a song about how her teeth were hurting her.
This morning, we had a meeting with a manager to try to resolve the interpersonal issue (this meeting was actually recommended by me since I like to beat dead horses until they're glue) (yeah, even I think that's a bit too snarky, sorry) and I feel we did. But guess what? I freakin' cried again! Please tell me it's hormones. Please tell me it's that time of the month. Give me a reason to cry. ("Yes, we're all agreed on how to move forward, so did you hear about the fire last night that claimed the lives of 28 kittens who were supposed to be given to orphans?" Hand me a tissue.) I just don't want to be labeled as the hair trigger in the office. "Ooh, don't say anything mean to Jen. She'll burst into tears."
I usually am a strong person. I can usually handle myself with dignity even in the face of adversity, but when a small issue like what happened yesterday (which was so minute, I'm still shocked about how I reacted to it) reduces me to tears, I doubt myself. I doubt my confidence and I doubt another person's confidence in me.
An escape hatch would be really useful in a situation like this. Instead of falling apart, I can flee really quickly without having to explain myself and let myself fall apart in private. I would love to say, "Oh, I need to use the restroom. Please be patient." and be able to walk out of the room with my head held high instead of looking to the ceiling and trying to keep the tears from falling and my chin from trembling too fiercely.
Now, I'm going to go home and hug my dogs to make up some karma for the horse and kitten comments...
Oh dear. I had to respond to this one. I think I know exactly how you feel. You're crying when you should be angry or standing up for yourself. I do this a lot and hate myself for it. I end up not being able to speak my mind for fear of all that frustration coming out, once again, in the form of tears. I cried while playing ice hockey recently. A teammate yelled at me to stay in my position and, rather than tell her to relax and stop being so bossy, I cried. I sat on the bench and cried, thankfully hidden to most behind my helmet, for the next ten minutes. It was really humiliating. That episode definitely had hormones written all over it, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept. Nice post, again.
Posted by: Betsy | March 27, 2008 at 01:05 PM
Those moments in life scare me, mostly because I don't know when they're coming. Luckily, they are few and far between, but when they happen, I feel small and embarrassed! Thanks for the feedback, Betsy! I've been following Babes in the Woods since last summer and then have read your posts on Momformation since then. You are an excellent writer!
Posted by: Sprite's Keeper | March 27, 2008 at 02:23 PM
Jen, are you pregnant?
That's the only explanation I can think of ;)
Posted by: Isabelle | March 28, 2008 at 12:43 PM
NO!No!No!No!No!No!
As much as I want to give Sprite a little brother or sister, I have definitely confirmed not pregnant!
Trust me, it was the hormones and they have moved on. We're good.
We're not pregnant.
Okay? :-)
PS. Not pregnant!
Posted by: Sprite's Keeper | March 28, 2008 at 12:51 PM